Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Crappiest Movies I've Ever Seen

I'm picking up a "Blogfest" idea from Timothy Brannan:

Saw 3D (2010)

Yup, almost a year later and I'm still not over it. Over what? Over the experience of sitting in a seat watching what was unfolding onscreen and coming to the realization: This is really it. It's not going to get any better.

You know that I'm a real fan of the Saw series. This film is the biggest insult to cult fans of any franchise I have ever felt. It is utter, utter bullshit.

Carlito's Way (1993)

I could put many of Brian De Palma's films on this list. He's just a director I will never trust. But this one in particular, though like many of his films it has its fans, to me just takes itself way too seriously for as flawed as it is.

Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)

This is another franchise that I'm actually a fan of, though in no way near to the pathological obsession I developed with Saw. By the same token, this one isn't the slap in the face that Saw 3D was. It's just...boring.

And when I'm bored watching Milla Jovovich (even dressed)...the world has truly turned upside-down.

Beowulf (2007)

As a wise man once said,
See, making cartoon drawings move, by itself, isn't animation any more than putting piles of meat on sticks and moving them around--Meat Puppets, to coin a phrase--would be acting. For real animation, you need (not to be too didactic)...soul. And Beowulf doesn't have a drop of it.

Even the voice actors sound indifferent.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)

Just one of the million-or-so things for which George Lucas needs to be bitch slapped.

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (2005).

It may be stretching a point to say that I hated this movie. Like Resident Evil: Afterlife its biggest crime is that it's just terribly, terribly boring. And for the record, while I enjoyed many of the Narnia books growing up, it's not one of those things where any deviation from the original was going to piss me off.

Planet of the Apes (2001)

In a few words: I loathe Tim Burton with the heat of 1,000 suns. In a few more...

Jaws 3 (1983)

I know that Jaws: The Revenge frequently gets named on lists like these, and god knows I'm not saying that was a better sequel. But Jaws 3 has always inched it out for me in the crappy movie department by virtue of the fact that a key feature of the plot is that the big mama shark is hiding by staying put in an underwater tunnel.

Look, I'm no Matt Hooper, but even I know this much: Sharks cannot stop moving...

Ghostbusters II (1989)

A pet peeve of mine is sequels in which the mechanics of the plot require a lot of people in the movie to forget things that they should know perfectly well from the first movie. In this case, it's the eons of time wasted while they run through the "But I don't believe in ghosts" rigmarole.

One of the many brilliant things about the original is that they started with the premise: Ghosts are real, and most people know it. Sure there were still a couple of doubters along the way, but after the climax of the last movie? Gimme a break.

To this day we occasionally hear rumors of a Ghostbusters 3; this movie is why I hope they will remain just that.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009)

I had to see this with my nephew. Believe me, I begged him to choose The Princess and the Frog or Fantastic Mr. Fox, both of which were playing in the same theater at the same time, and both of which I've subsequently seen and know to be much better movies (especially Frog).

But I lost that battle. An hour and a half later, I had only this to say, and it remains the best summing up I could possibly give:

I want my brains back!