Friday, March 16, 2012

Note to self: Actually, Halloween and Resident Evil might be a good double feature

("Most Hated Movies," pt five)

41. Constantine

My reaction to this film's release was the same as everybody who's ever read any comic book ever: That's not Constantine.

42. Jersey Girl (2004)

Silent Bob. Not since Mel Brooks has there been a writer/director who so betrayed the promise of his talent. I'll give this one of George Carlin's best performances as an actor, but as a whole this movie was so bad it left me agape.


43. Resident Evil

I never played the games, so I can't speak to how they translate, but I've seen all the movies...though never in the theater. My standard line for the Resident Evil films is that they are either just below or just above average, with the differential being how good looking you think Milla Jovovich is. I think she's one of the sexiest women in the world, so...

She's pretty tough in them, too.

44. Fantastic Four (2005)

A franchise slain by miscasting: That's not Doctor Doom, Sue Storm, etc...

45. Halloween (2007)

I think the 1978, John Carpenter Halloween would be thought of much more highly if it hadn't been followed by so many quick-cash, shoddy (with the notable exception of IV) sequels. One of the best horror movies I've ever seen. But I have to admit, I thought Rob Zombie's remake wasn't half bad, in fact it was probably the best remake of Halloween that could've been made.

47. Terminator: Salvation.

The slightest chance of my taking this film seriously was terminated by Christian Bale's putting half his foot into his own mouth on set and taking a great big bite while being surreptiously taped. Plus I liked the Terminator TV series, so I was glad when this dropped quickly off the charts.


48. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

On the other hand, unlike the Halloween remake, this one never even comes close to the thrill power of the 1974 original, and remains a meaningless exercise.



49. Superman Returns

Didn't love it, didn't hate it.

50. Daredevil

No. That's all. Just no.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Sucker Punches fall with Crashes in Epic Movies

(or, "In which--for no apparent reason*--I illustrate this whole "50 Most Hated Films" thing with almost nothing but lovely women and a couple of favorite Robot Chicken bits")

31. Sucker Punch

Haven't seen it. It is, however, another of the really good episodes of How Did This Get Made?

32. Crash (2005)

Haven't seen, nothing to say.

33. The Spirit

Hoo boy. I tried to watch this once, on cable, because I had respect for Will Eisner, who created the character. I didn't get very far.

34. Van Helsing

Finally, one that I've actually seen...but I remember almost nothing about it, which should tell you something. Fred Dekker's Monster Squad covered the same area to much better satisfaction.

35. Godzilla (1998)

Never saw it. I'd rather stare at wallpaper.

36. The Matrix Reloaded/The Matrix Revolutions

Believe it or not, I've never seen any of the Matrix movies, no, not even the first one.

37. A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

I can sort-of say that I saw this, but I zipped through it on DVR. From what I saw, while there are horror franchises that can succeed with an ever-changing lineup of faces "behind the mask," (Scream is one) this isn't one of them. Without Robert Englund, it's not Freddy Kruger, and without Freddy Kruger, it's not a Nightmare.

38. Clash of the Titans (2010)

I watched just enough of this, again on cable, to get to the cameo by Bubu, the mechanical owl from the original. So I don't feel qualified to judge it, but not only for that reason.


Just because of the age I was when that first movie came out, it's one of those that is "in my matrix" as I like to say. So any remake, was always gonna make me grumble, cry blasphemy, and mourn my inner 10-year-old.

39. Epic Movie

Haven't seen it. Has anyone?

40. Swept Away (2002)

Call it a hunch but I have a feeling this movie really is that bad.

*I mean, aside from the obvious.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Avenging The Avengers, and other stories

("Most Hated Movies," pt 3)

21. The Wicker Man (2006)

Haven't seen it. It is, however, one of the episodes of How Did This Get Made I've listened to twice.

22. Battlefield Earth

Haven't seen this one either. The DVD cover is notable in my memory, however, because in a desperate search to find a positive quote, they ended up with "Great scene transitions..."


23. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

Yet another one that I haven't seen, and I know it was not terribly well-loved by critics and comic book fans. I have to admit, however, that lately I've been thinking just maybe I should give it a chance.

See, I was reminded that the Alan Moore book was adapted into screenplay by James Robinson. I've only just recently finished a trip through Robinson's heavenly run on Starman for DC Comics in the late '90s.


24. Pearl Harbor

Haven't seen it, have nothing to say about it.

25. The Avengers.

No '60s-era Diana Rigg. No chance (and no offense, Uma)

26. Planet of the Apes (2001)

I actually reviewed this back when it first came out, so if you really want to know what I thought of it, go here. All you probably need to know, however, is this is Tim Burton, and I loathe Tim Burton with the heat of 1, 000 suns.

27. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

I was actually pleasantly surprised by this movie.

28. Sex and the City 2

You could tell me this movie was nothing but two hours of Cattrall, Davis, Nixon and Parker (in that order) dressing and undressing and I still wouldn't want to see it.

These characters are ignorant, incapable, and have no direction separate from their men.

29. Spider-Man 3

This is another one that I wrote a long post about when it was released.


Almost five years later, I can say I remember the story as not being especially well-told, but the movie still ending up...good. Not very good. But good.

30. Alien Resurrection

At this point, this movie is first and foremost important to me as an example of how to Joss Whedon fans, the failure of anything he's involved with is never his fault. Secondly, I've been saying for years and years now, the only way ever to "save" this franchise is some sort of "retcon" so that this movie, and the third, never happened.

Monday, March 12, 2012

CatLadies in the Water

...continuing a series of entries riffing on this list of allegedly "Most Hated Movies."

11. The Last Airbender
12. The Happening
13. Lady in the Water

Haven't seen any of these. Neither, apparently, did anybody else. I have to admit that when I first saw the trailer for Last, I thought I actually might want to see it. The reviews disabused me of that notion. Also, in a weird way I resent this movie for taking so many "Razzies" away from Saw 3D. It cannot have been worse than that.

This is not a scene from The Happening. It's the aftermath of a screening.

There's a pretty good book about the making of Lady reminding us of what can happen when a whiz-kid director has no one to say "no" to him. Also, Bryce Dallas Howard sure looked cool on the poster.


14. Avatar

Haven't seen it. Have never had any desire to.

15. Catwoman

Haven't seen this one either, though I suppose I should, given that two separate quizzes have said if I were a comics character, that's who I'd be.

Can't say the costume looks like it'd be very comfortable. Any version of the costume.

16. Hulk.

Yeah, this was God-awful. It's so humorless, it's also the movie I'll think of when and if fans say they want a comics movie that takes the source material "seriously."

17. Love Actually

...and speaking of seriously: Seriously? There are people who hate this movie? News to me.

18. Highlander 2: The Quickening

Never saw it. One does not hear good things.

19. Alien vs. Predator

Actually I thought this was always watchable, sometimes even exciting. Maybe partly because I saw it on HBO, but probably mostly because I chose to see it as a political metaphor of the Kerry/Bush race.

Aliens vs Predator
Alien vs Predator Wallpaper by ~carnageX333 on deviantART


20. X-Men: The Last Stand

Have never sat down and watched this all the way through, but have caught pieces here and there on television. The sense I have is that it's worse as a movie than Bryan Singer's two, but closer to the comics.

One or two movies about which South Park was right, and eight others

I've decided to take a tip from Kelly Sedinger, who took his from Sam Frog, and riff on this list of "Fifty Most Hated Movies." But where he and the Frog did theirs all in one post, I'm going to spread these out so I can get a week of entries out of them.

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

I can give my opinion of this movie in four words, prefaced by a clip:

South. Park. Was. Right.

2. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Keep walking, kid.

3. Forrest Gump

Never saw it, and considering how much my opinion of Robert Zemeckis has soured, likely never will.Photobucket

I do get the sense, however, that it's one of those movies which even a year afterward people are embarrassed to remember they rated so highly.

4. Twilight

Where's the Family Research Council when we really need it?

5. Psycho (1998)

Still the very definition of "unnecessary."

6. Batman and Robin

Never saw it. The best translation of Batman to another media remains the Dini/Timm Animated Series.

7. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

Never saw this one either. However, I suspect this is another one that South Park has the right idea about.

"Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay still gets to keep making movies. There isn't a god."

8. Titanic.

Not to be crass (god forbid), but any movie in which Kate Winslet gets her kit off...

9. House of the Dead

10. Die Another Day

I actually think this movie is cleverer than most people seem to feel--I don't just like it for Halle Berry in her swimsuit--although, god knows...