Just now, between pages 174 and 175 of the Seattle Public Library's copy of Jane Wyman, A Biography by Joe Morella and Edward Z. Epstein: A religious tract "cunningly" disguised as a $1,000,000 dollar bill.
Which is a terrible thing to do to someone in the financial situation I'm in at the moment.
There's addresses for two different (but related) web pages written on the bill, but I'll get to that in a minute.
Written around the borders of the back of the bill is:
The million-dollar question: Will you go to heaven? Here's a quick test: Have you ever told a lie, stolen anything or used God's name in vain?
Jesus Christ, no!
Jesus said, "Whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Have you looked with lust?
You damn Skippy. Let's face it, if that's the criteria, I'm commiting adultery like a superbad pimp with a huge cock...
Will you be guilty on judgement day?
Guiltier than some, less than others.
If you have done these things, God sees you as a lying, thieving, blasphemous adulterer-at-heart.
Geez. And I thought we were friends.
The Bible warns that if you are guilty you will end up in Hell.
That's my understanding of the way it's supposed to work, yes.
That's not God's will.
Even if I'm a lying, thieving, blasphemous adulterer-at-heart? Cool!
He sent His Son to suffer and dies on the cross for you. Jesus took your punishment upon Himself: "God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."
Yes, I do seem to remember something about that from Godspell.
Then he rose from the dead and defeated death. Please, repent (turn from sin) today and trust in Jesus, and God will grant you everlasting life. Then read your Bible daily and obey it.
Okay, but which parts? The parts about having faith? Turning the other cheek? I don't think so. Why? Because, moving onto the web pages I mentioned earlier...I almost didn't visit them, but when I did, oh, the smile that came to my face...
Because: This religious tract comes to us from the good offices of...Kirk Cameron. Yes, Kirk Cameron.
Sitcom actor, Tiger Beat coverboy. Christian of today. Disbeliever in evolution. Believer in the provable existence of God "without the use of faith," which I kinda thought was the whole point.
Clueless born-again who insisted that a woman should be fired because she didn't live up to his high moral standards (she'd been a Playboy centerfold).
That Kirk Cameron. His pupils reduced to slipping play money into library books, oh me, where hath the opulence of Growing Pains fled?
1 comment:
The thing about Kirk Cameron that always pissed me off (and what tends to piss me off about "born-again" fundamentalists) was the way he arrogantly began to judge people for their actions, past and present, instead of on the basis of their character. If Cameron expects to go to his concept of heaven, he'd better check his tendency to judge people. According to everything I've ever read, that's GOD'S job, and anyone arrogant enough to try and do God's job goes to Hell. Kirk, I'll see ya there.
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