Whereas...

I've been keeping one eye (get it?) on this "reality" TV show, Scream Queens wherein:

actresses...will vie for an unprecedented prize -- a break-out role in "Saw VI" from Lionsgate and Twisted Pictures.

Now, by "break-out role," I'm assuming they mean the girl who wins will be in a trap (in the movie) that requires her to break her jaw or something to get out. Saw being Saw. Still:

I imagine I'm alone in this (or at least nearly so), especially as the series has progressed. But I stand stubbornly by my belief that the Saw series requires a better class of actor than the wriggling asses and pretty faces (male and female) that make up your Texas Chainsaw Massascream 3's.

Tobin Bell is the most obvious example, and Costas Mandylor is IMO underrated. But of course, they're both men.

Representing the opposite sex, I think that Beverley Mitchell did a nice job with her small, supporting role in Saw II.

But most prominently, we have Shawnee Smith, who is sexy indeed (clock her one unbilled scene in Leaving Las Vegas) but also very much "in the moment" as an actor.

(That's her below. And also, come to think of it, by Mitchell's side above.)


Smith acted in the first three Saw films and she's now one of the three hosts of Scream Queens. This brings up one reason why I’m only keeping one eye on the series.

The young actresses all seem to be taking the "break-out" part of this hype terribly seriously, as though it's just Saw VI and then next stop, romantic comedies opposite Vince Vaughn.

You want to say to them (I do, anyway): Guys, Shawnee Smith was in on the ground floor of Saw. Her character actually had an--whatchamacallit--emotional arc.

And what's more, even before that she had a career going back to the '80s. Her first role in a movie was in the 1982 adaptation of Annie, and she was also in Summer School and the Blob remake.

In the latter, BTW, she was an admitted inspiration for Joss Whedon when he was creating Buffy. And she's appeared on several television shows. Now she's one of three hosts of Scream Queens.

What I'm saying is: I don't think this is necessarily going to be the boost to your career that you imagine.

Another reason I've yet to be able to get though an entire episode without occasionally flipping away: You're familiar with my "actors shouldn't talk" rule?

Picture a show that is virtually nothing but actors talking. Talking about each other (with the long knives out) & about themselves. Actors who may not necessarily be all that bright. Not that it's a requirement, but, well, one of them--I won't say who--has an Official Web Site with the word "Official" misspelled.

Interspersed only with chances to emote! -either in I-want-attention-getting emotional outbursts (at least one or two of them are not so much Scream Queens as drama queens) or in acting "challenges."

James Lipton would blow his brains out after more than half an hour of this.

The third reason is summed up by the fact that I put "reality" in quotes when discussing "reality" TV shows. They're not reality.

So anyway, why am I telling you all of this? I'm telling you all of this because next week is the "big" final episode and I feel like declaring my colors.

Of the women remaining, Michelle Galdenzi is gorgeous, but I've just seen nothing else really compelling about her. Plus, she's a Ren Fest chick, and such behavior should not be rewarded.

Tanedra...well, I'm just not seeing the talent. And again--maybe I stand alone in this, but I happen to think being in a Saw film requires talent (at least some).

So I'm team Lindsay (Felton). I like the look of her:
But it's not just infatuation...more importantly, I think she's shown the most talent.

I also like that when the girls got a scare in last night's episode, Lindsay didn't even spill her wine. Now that's my kind of woman.