They've got to be kidding me

Apparently, a recent issue of Oprah's magazine has some advice for women on the ways of men (according to Pandagon). Now, my vast reading audience: Ladies, please tell me if the men to whom this advice seems to apply seems like anyone you would want to spend a hot night with. Gentlemen, same question in reverse--if the woman in your life thought so little of you...

(Gays and lesbians, redistribute as necessary)

PS: For bonus points, try to tell me which sex you think is being more insulted here. Being a guy, I'm gonna go with the men. See what you think.

Now, on to the valuable pieces of advice.

Don’t try to talk to him during football season.

Ok, so maybe my disbelief about this one is based on my almost total ignorance of sports, which is well-nigh legendary amongst my friends. But still: Really? In 2005 we still have that hang-up?

If he tries to cook, get out of the kitchen until it’s time to clean up.

Oh those darn men, puttering around with their pots and pans. Gosh, I love the little goofball.

Don’t be argumentative. Admire him for being tough. Shut up.

Yeah, that's a good idea. For god's sake, don't have opinions of your own but if you must, don't actually, you know, express them. And in the name of all that is holy, don't have anything to back up those opinions.

Somehow, I just know a Buffy fan came up with that rule.

Acquaint yourself with the career of Peyton Manning.

Yeah, I had to look it up, what's your point?

Meet every protest and argument he makes, no matter how ridiculously false, with the observation that he is absolutely correct...in boxing this is called rope-a-dope.

"Correct as usual, King Friday."

Rent a Steven Seagal movie.

Oh yes, do indeed, please. I heartily recommend "Hard To Kill," in which his unfortunate then wife, Kelly LeBrock, testifies to the massively overpowering size of his penis.

If the guy these pieces of advice are describing is the kind of guy I think he is, he'll love that part.

Accept that the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is one of his favorite things.

I suppose I should be making a separate list about "things men are supposed to love that I just don't get." Okay, the swimsuit issue. I understand the premise. But...but you know, Playboy magazine has been on the stands for over 50 years.

And anyone with a computer has access to pictures of some of the most beautiful women in the world. Some of them, the same women who appear in the swimsuit issue. Only stark naked. And some video stores actually have entire shelves of the likes of Ginger Lynn performing certain acts that would make steam come out of John Ashcroft's ears.

I mean, so I've been told.

...anyway, to get back to my point, is the swimsuit issue really that big a deal for men over 17 anymore?

If you want him to fix the shower drip, whatever you do don’t nag; instead, remove the shower head, bring it to him and say “uh-oh, stupid me, I tried to fix it myself but now the drip is worse!” Then offer to bring him his power drill

.

Actually, this would probably work on me. Except, you'd have to replace the words "power drill" with "phone book" so I could call a plumber to fix the damn thing. Any woman who's ever dated me is gonna know that I don't have a power drill.

Wait a minute...

If you want to comfort your man, don’t try to soothe him with a home-baked pie; for the lovagod, tell him how powerful he is.

Actually, something in a lemon or key lime pie might be nice. Or you could just give us some kind of sex, that works too. Because, you know, we don't have...what are they called...feelings. No, we just want to get laid and fed and NEVER, EVER TO BE QUESTIONED YOU STUPID BITCH CUNT!

Sorry...but if magazine articles like these are to be believed, I have every right to act this way and no woman in my life should ever expect anything less.

Or better.