That was a piece of shit.

As most of you know, I am a fan of Amber Benson, the actress who played Tara on Buffy. Unfortunately, being a fan of Amber Benson carries with it certain penalties. Much as my interest in Anne Hathaway has led me to sit through some pretty terrible films (three words: Princess Diaries 2), just for the chance to look upon her beautiful visage.

Case in point: The TV movie Gryphon, premiering this month on the Sci-Fi channel, in which Benson stars.

Even simple editoral matchup seemed to be beyond this movie. In one scene, I swear the position of Amber's hair changes about three times depending on which setup they're using.

And a few words about costuming. I can accept that Amber's character invented the off-the-shoulder tunic look centuries before the filming of Flashdance. I can accept that because I like Amber's shoulders and anything that exposes them to camera is ok by me.

However, there were also a couple of alleged "witches," in this film who dressed much like porno actresses. How much like porno actresses? Let me put it this way. I had no idea fake red leather had been invented in the middle ages. To say nothing of the fishnets.

Re acting, okay, again, I admit I'm biased, but Amber did seem to be trying harder than most of the rest of the cast. But even she looked like she'd lost her heart for it a couple of times.

I can't blame her. There's only so much you can do with a script that asks you to deliver lines like "Let us return them to the hell from whence they came!" with a straight face.

However, all is not lost. Should you wish to watch this movie, I have come up with a way to make it bearable. I give you: The Gryphon drinking game.

It works like this. Every time they rip-off The Lord of the Rings, you take a sip.

Every time a character delivers a line that is nothing but exposition, you take a shot. You know, the kind of dialogue that makes you think the characters are going to turn to camera and say "Everybody got that?"

Every time the exposition is something they've already established more than three times (did we mention the prince has "the sight?") you take a big swig.

Every time a character speaks to another and identifies his-or-her relationship to them in the dialogue, like this-

"The hordes are coming, father!"
"Go now, daughter, and be swift!'
"Look, my leige!"
"I will have my vengence on you, sorceror!"
"Do not worry, my friend."

--and so on, you chug.

You should start to see the room spinning within 10 minutes.

Enjoy!