Monty Python Morning

A scene from South Park's "Fantastic Easter Special."

For any of you who don't know the episode, I'm going to quote from the Wikipedia plot synopsis (to bring you up to speed as to what happens in the first two-thirds or so)...

As the Marsh family colors eggs for Easter, Stan questions what it has to do with Jesus. Not satisfied by his father's vague response, Stan storms off and makes the same inquiry to a mall Easter Bunny, who has previously received death threats from a falsely cheery Cartman. The mall bunny tells Stan that it is "just Easter", and to "just go with it", then makes a mysterious phone call.

Stan soon finds himself being chased by men in bunny suits. When he gets home, he finds that his father is part of the plot. Randy calls the men off, and tells Stan that he is in a society called "The Hare Club for Men", who have guarded the secret of Easter for generations.

Randy takes Stan to the headquarters of the Hare Club, where he is to be initiated into the group, which reveres a rabbit named Snowball. Just as he is about to learn the secret of Easter, Stan's initiation is interrupted as the club is ambushed by a group of ninjas.

The Hare Club members rush to protect Snowball, and Randy gives the rabbit to Stan, telling him to run. He escapes with Snowball, and witnesses the ninjas and their leader, William Anthony Donohue, executing a resisting hare and interrogating Randy.

Stan runs off to Kyle's house and tries to extract any knowledge Kyle has of Easter. Kyle, who is Jewish and does not know anything about Easter and was busy finger painting, does not want to be involved in something so dangerous, but Stan persuades him to help.

Stan and Kyle manage to track down a man named Professor Teabag (spoof of Professor Teabing), who supposedly knows the secret of the Hare Club. Teabag lets them in his mansion and explains that Leonardo da Vinci was actually a member of the Hare Club and that Saint Peter was not a man, but a rabbit (Peter Rabbit), and that laser imaging shows that da Vinci originally portrayed Saint Peter as a rabbit instead of as a man in his painting of the Last Supper.

Teabag explains that Jesus knew that no human could speak for all Christianity without any acts of corruption, and that rabbits were pure, tolerant, and incorruptible. This is why the Pope's mitre is shaped to accommodate a rabbit's ears.

He also explained that the Catholic Church decided to bury the secret and put a man in charge, ever since, "The Hare Club for Men" society members have decorated eggs for generations to keep the secret in da Vinci's painting alive.

He further explains that Snowball is actually a direct descendant from St. Peter, and that Stan's father and the members of the Hare Club have been kidnapped by the Vatican, who wish to cover up this secret, thinking of it as blasphemy.

Then, Donahue's ninja minions attack again and kill Teabag's butler, but Teabag helps the two boys escape by putting marshmallow Peeps in the microwave; which causes an explosion that destroys the mansion and kills both Teabag and the ninjas.

Fantastic Easter Special
Get More: SOUTH
PARKmore...

Things I don't have (and some I do)

...which, apparently, define the truth or not of my nerd or geekdom. List by Hal Hefner, via Kelly Sedinger, who is just a fountain of blog post ideas.

1) Conan The Barbarian Soundtrack

Nope. Don't have it.

2) Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep

Don't have this either. Haven't read any Philip K. Dick since at least high school.

3) The Twilight Zone Collection:

Nope. Do, however, have an anthology of Jerry Goldsmith's film music which contains a suite from the TZ movie. I think that ought to count on at least a couple of levels, not the least of which is obscurity.

4) The Original Star Wars Trilogy – WITHOUT ANY ADDED CRAP

Sadly, no. But if I ever did own any version, that would be the only version I would own.

5) A Profound Hatred for Star Trek Enterprise

Don't give enough of a damn either way.

6) The Lord of The Rings Extended Edition, The Soundtracks and all of the books

Don't own them, have seen them all more than once, got two soundtracks from the library, own one, and read some or most of the books.

7) A Profound Sadness for the Way Battlestar Galactica Ended

Never caught the fascination for GB. Try the last season of Babylon 5 sometime, tho, and then talk to me about profound sadness.

8 ) A Passionately Favorite Version of the REAL Doctor Who

Y'damn right...and it's the one in my own head.

9) A Fear That Will Smith Will Someday Star in The Movie Adaptation of Your Favorite Book

If he comes near Jonathan Carroll, I will have to wait for him with a length of chain.

10) Toys from Your Childhood That You Refuse To Part With

Well, considering that I'm writing this with a fox puppet I got as a present in the '70s sitting on top of my computer monitor...

11) The Belief that the Word Midichlorian Was Just from a Nightmare and NOT a real Star Wars Movie

The problem with midichlorians, as I can't be the first person to point out, is that they switch the idea of "oneness with the Force" from something spiritual which can be attained through practice and discipline, to a question of genetic superiority: If you're not born part of the master race, you're basically doomed to life as a slave. How eugenic.

12) The Original TRON Movie

Don't own it, but it has a special place in my heart, and Tron Legacy stands up too. I do own the Wendy Carlos soundtrack to the original, and Cindy Morgan was one of my '80s crushes.

13) An affection for the TV show Firefly

Absolutely not. Look, I like one or two of the actors, but...plus I've always found it at the least smirk-worthy that fans of this show willingly gave themselves the name "Browncoats," because it sounds so much like "Brownshirts."

14) A Hatred for Chris O’Donnell

Nah. The last two seasons of Buffy, on the other hand...

15) You Know Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics:

Doesn't everyone?

16) You think Cheetara is HOT!

Nah. By the time Thundercats hit, I was already worshiping at the altar of the likes of Cybill Shepherd.

17) You Believe Aliens are our REAL Gods

Not even a little bit. Barry Gibb is our real god. Everybody knows that.

18) You Have a Favorite Animated Cult Sci-Fi Movie

I dunno, I probably do, but I love good animation and Sci-Fi, so it'd be a long list. The Clone Wars movie would not be on it (even if I'd seen it, I suspect).

19) You Blame Hot Rod for Optimus Prime’s Death

I don't even know what this means.

20) You DESPISE Michael Bay for Masturbating on your Childhood

As with Star Trek Enterprise, I don't care enough either way. I save my despising for those who screw up things that are really important.

Like Saw producer Mark Burg, whose greed and cynicism (I believe) turned "the last chapter" of that franchise into a kick in the crotch for those of us who thought the films were ever more than just blood and gore.



Plus, he let Betsy Russell get away, which has to be the most foolhardy move since that sorry freak Charlie Sheen did the same with Ginger Lynn.

(Burg is also Sheen's longtime manager, which cannot be a coincidence).

Or that dullard Robert Zemeckis, whose inspiration poor motion-capture "animation" is a poke in the eye to real lovers of the art form.

My joy in dragons is greater than my appreciation for beautiful women

Two things that all you regular members of my vast reading audience will know by now: I have an appreciation for beautiful women, and I enjoy dragons. But for those of you who have asked yourself: Which is greater?

(and yeah, I know, nobody's ever asked themselves that, including me, but just go with me for the bit, okay?)

We now have an answer. How?

In the movie Sucker Punch, which I have now seen, a whole fistful of lovely young ladies; with hot bods, cold-bloodedly slit the throat of a baby dragon. They insult and fire machine guns at its understandably angry mother, whom they then kill by plunging a sword through the top of her head. And these are the girls we're supposed to like.

And from beginning to end of the whole sequence, I was chanting, "Dragon! Dragon! Go, go, dragon!" So there you have it.

Of course, it's possible this isn't a fair test. I mean, maybe if the movie had given said lovely young ladies characters to play that I could've cared about, the scales might've been just a little more balanced.

But it didn't. I don't mean it gave them characters to play that I just didn't care about. I mean it didn't give them characters to play. Unless of course, "Jena Malone is adorable" (which she is) or "Jamie Chung has some nice curves" (which she does) are character traits...

A picture is worth 1,000...

Karen Santorum on Monday assured women that they have "nothing to fear" from her husband.

Is this the face of a woman with nothing to fear?

Karen Santorum insisted her husband will do “nothing” on the issue of contraception.

"Believe me," she sobbed, he does nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing..."

Note to self: Actually, Halloween and Resident Evil might be a good double feature

("Most Hated Movies," pt five)

41. Constantine

My reaction to this film's release was the same as everybody who's ever read any comic book ever: That's not Constantine.

42. Jersey Girl (2004)



Silent Bob. Not since Mel Brooks has there been a writer/director who so betrayed the promise of his talent. I'll give this one of George Carlin's best performances as an actor, but as a whole this movie was so bad it left me agape.



43. Resident Evil

I never played the games, so I can't speak to how they translate, but I've seen all the movies...though never in the theater. My standard line for the Resident Evil films is that they are either just below or just above average, with the differential being how good looking you think Milla Jovovich is. I think she's one of the sexiest women in the world, so...

She's pretty tough in them, too.

44. Fantastic Four (2005)

A franchise slain by miscasting: That's not Doctor Doom, Sue Storm, etc...



45. Halloween (2007)

I think the 1978, John Carpenter Halloween would be thought of much more highly if it hadn't been followed by so many quick-cash, shoddy (with the notable exception of IV) sequels. One of the best horror movies I've ever seen. But I have to admit, I thought Rob Zombie's remake wasn't half bad, in fact it was probably the best remake of Halloween that could've been made.



47. Terminator: Salvation.

The slightest chance of my taking this film seriously was terminated by Christian Bale's putting half his foot into his own mouth on set and taking a great big bite while being surreptiously taped. Plus I liked the Terminator TV series, so I was glad when this dropped quickly off the charts.



48. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

On the other hand, unlike the Halloween remake, this one never even comes close to the thrill power of the 1974 original, and remains a meaningless exercise.





49. Superman Returns

Didn't love it, didn't hate it.

50. Daredevil

No. That's all. Just no.

Sucker Punches fall with Crashes in Epic Movies

(or, "In which--for no apparent reason*--I illustrate this whole "50 Most Hated Films" thing with almost nothing but lovely women and a couple of favorite Robot Chicken bits")



31. Sucker Punch

Haven't seen it. It is, however, another of the really good episodes of How Did This Get Made?



32. Crash (2005)

Haven't seen, nothing to say.



33. The Spirit

Hoo boy. I tried to watch this once, on cable, because I had respect for Will Eisner, who created the character. I didn't get very far.

34. Van Helsing

Finally, one that I've actually seen...but I remember almost nothing about it, which should tell you something. Fred Dekker's Monster Squad covered the same area to much better satisfaction.

35. Godzilla (1998)



Never saw it. I'd rather stare at wallpaper.

36. The Matrix Reloaded/The Matrix Revolutions



Believe it or not, I've never seen any of the Matrix movies, no, not even the first one.

37. A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

I can sort-of say that I saw this, but I zipped through it on DVR. From what I saw, while there are horror franchises that can succeed with an ever-changing lineup of faces "behind the mask," (Scream is one) this isn't one of them. Without Robert Englund, it's not Freddy Kruger, and without Freddy Kruger, it's not a Nightmare.


38. Clash of the Titans (2010)

I watched just enough of this, again on cable, to get to the cameo by Bubu, the mechanical owl from the original. So I don't feel qualified to judge it, but not only for that reason.



Just because of the age I was when that first movie came out, it's one of those that is "in my matrix" as I like to say. So any remake, was always gonna make me grumble, cry blasphemy, and mourn my inner 10-year-old.



39. Epic Movie

Haven't seen it. Has anyone?



40. Swept Away (2002)

Call it a hunch but I have a feeling this movie really is that bad.

*I mean, aside from the obvious.

Avenging The Avengers, and other stories

("Most Hated Movies," pt 3)

21. The Wicker Man (2006)

Haven't seen it. It is, however, one of the episodes of How Did This Get Made I've listened to twice.

22. Battlefield Earth

Haven't seen this one either. The DVD cover is notable in my memory, however, because in a desperate search to find a positive quote, they ended up with "Great scene transitions..."





23. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

Yet another one that I haven't seen, and I know it was not terribly well-loved by critics and comic book fans. I have to admit, however, that lately I've been thinking just maybe I should give it a chance.

See, I was reminded that the Alan Moore book was adapted into screenplay by James Robinson. I've only just recently finished a trip through Robinson's heavenly run on Starman for DC Comics in the late '90s.



24. Pearl Harbor

Haven't seen it, have nothing to say about it.

25. The Avengers.

No '60s-era Diana Rigg. No chance (and no offense, Uma)

26. Planet of the Apes (2001)

I actually reviewed this back when it first came out, so if you really want to know what I thought of it, go here. All you probably need to know, however, is this is Tim Burton, and I loathe Tim Burton with the heat of 1, 000 suns.

27. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

I was actually pleasantly surprised by this movie.

28. Sex and the City 2

You could tell me this movie was nothing but two hours of Cattrall, Davis, Nixon and Parker (in that order) dressing and undressing and I still wouldn't want to see it.



These characters are ignorant, incapable, and have no direction separate from their men.

29. Spider-Man 3

This is another one that I wrote a long post about when it was released.



Almost five years later, I can say I remember the story as not being especially well-told, but the movie still ending up...good. Not very good. But good.



30. Alien Resurrection

At this point, this movie is first and foremost important to me as an example of how to Joss Whedon fans, the failure of anything he's involved with is never his fault. Secondly, I've been saying for years and years now, the only way ever to "save" this franchise is some sort of "retcon" so that this movie, and the third, never happened.

CatLadies in the Water

...continuing a series of entries riffing on this list of allegedly "Most Hated Movies."

11. The Last Airbender
12. The Happening
13. Lady in the Water

Haven't seen any of these. Neither, apparently, did anybody else. I have to admit that when I first saw the trailer for Last, I thought I actually might want to see it. The reviews disabused me of that notion. Also, in a weird way I resent this movie for taking so many "Razzies" away from Saw 3D. It cannot have been worse than that.

This is not a scene from The Happening. It's the aftermath of a screening.

There's a pretty good book about the making of Lady reminding us of what can happen when a whiz-kid director has no one to say "no" to him. Also, Bryce Dallas Howard sure looked cool on the poster.





14. Avatar

Haven't seen it. Have never had any desire to.

15. Catwoman

Haven't seen this one either, though I suppose I should, given that two separate quizzes have said if I were a comics character, that's who I'd be.

Can't say the costume looks like it'd be very comfortable. Any version of the costume.

16. Hulk.

Yeah, this was God-awful. It's so humorless, it's also the movie I'll think of when and if fans say they want a comics movie that takes the source material "seriously."



17. Love Actually

...and speaking of seriously: Seriously? There are people who hate this movie? News to me.



18. Highlander 2: The Quickening

Never saw it. One does not hear good things.

19. Alien vs. Predator

Actually I thought this was always watchable, sometimes even exciting. Maybe partly because I saw it on HBO, but probably mostly because I chose to see it as a political metaphor of the Kerry/Bush race.

Aliens vs Predator
Alien vs Predator Wallpaper by ~carnageX333 on deviantART



20. X-Men: The Last Stand

Have never sat down and watched this all the way through, but have caught pieces here and there on television. The sense I have is that it's worse as a movie than Bryan Singer's two, but closer to the comics.

One or two movies about which South Park was right, and eight others

I've decided to take a tip from Kelly Sedinger, who took his from Sam Frog, and riff on this list of "Fifty Most Hated Movies." But where he and the Frog did theirs all in one post, I'm going to spread these out so I can get a week of entries out of them.

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

I can give my opinion of this movie in four words, prefaced by a clip:

The China Probrem
Tags: SOUTH
PARKmore...

South. Park. Was. Right.

2. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace



Keep walking, kid.

3. Forrest Gump

Never saw it, and considering how much my opinion of Robert Zemeckis has soured, likely never will.

I do get the sense, however, that it's one of those movies which even a year afterward people are embarrassed to remember they rated so highly.

4. Twilight

Where's the Family Research Council when we really need it?



5. Psycho (1998)

Still the very definition of "unnecessary."

6. Batman and Robin

Never saw it. The best translation of Batman to another media remains the Dini/Timm Animated Series.

7. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

Never saw this one either. However, I suspect this is another one that South Park has the right idea about.

"Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay still gets to keep making movies. There isn't a god."

8. Titanic.

Not to be crass (god forbid), but any movie in which Kate Winslet gets her kit off...


9. House of the Dead

10. Die Another Day

I actually think this movie is cleverer than most people seem to feel--I don't just like it for Halle Berry in her swimsuit--although, god knows...

Something to listen to

I've got nothing much else to say about it. I first heard it/her on the Nerdist Podcast.



And yes, as you can well imagine, the spelling error in the title by whoever posted this distresses me every time. I don't think they're from this country, tho, and it doesn't lessen the song any...

Y'know how I've often said that--even if he comes up with a great line every once in a while--I have a bad feeling about Bill Maher?

Check it:

Bill Maher Defends Rush Limbaugh

Great passages in literature

Jon ordered bottles of scotch, vodka and champaigne. We wondered if we could take them home with us. There was a three-piece band. A stripper materialized and began to disrobe a yard in front of us.

"Dodger," Abra said, "why are all those men sitting alone at their tables?"

"I think they're lonely," I said, because they have to buy a girl her own bottle if they want her to sit with them."

"They all seem so sad," Abra said. She took another look around the room. The stripper finished and left the stage to indifferent applause. Abra whispered something to Jon. He was a distinguished Canadian and knew how to handle these things. He rapped smartly on the table with a pound coin. "Waiter!" he said. "Blow jobs for everyone!"

-from Life Itself, by Roger Ebert

One thing I've always given Lucas credit for--he never minimized this man's contributions

Ralph McQuarrie, visual designer of 'Star Wars,' passes away at 82

Simply put, the choices he made regarding the design of the world of "Star Wars" were one of the main reasons that film resonated ... with generations of viewers.

-Quoting from the above post by "Drew McWeeny."

It's my understanding that after the first film opened in 1977 and became what it did, McQuarrie was one of those to whom George Lucas retroactively offered profit points/participation. He didn't "need" to do that, and I think we know some people wouldn't have.

But Lucas had literally sold Star Wars on the basis of McQuarrie's paintings--and I do mean "literally," literally: In pitch meetings with the studios, Lucas would present the work he'd commissioned McQuarrie to do in order to evoke the style he hoped to with the film...

Right on, Leonard

Mr. Maltin on why I don't expect to be joining the frenzied throng that I'm sure will be seeing "Dr. Seuss'" The Lorax this weekend.

Have you noticed that (as often as not) when Hollywood moviemakers stray from their source material they insist on putting the author’s name above the title? To me, this only compounds the offense. No author has suffered more at the hands of Hollywood in recent years than Theodore Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss.

Easy Joke Department 3

Rush Limbaugh: I'll Buy Georgetown Women 'As Much Aspirin To Put Between Their Knees As They Want'

Trust me, Rush. Around you, the women won't need Aspirin to keep their knees closed.

The things you learn when you're trying to be gracious

Conservative "Journalist" [Andrew] Breitbart Dead at 43

"Journalist" is in quotes in the news item above, I assume, because there wasn't room in the headline for "Right-wing thug, enemy of democracy and lying fink."

Look, I've often liked to point out, in the past decade or so as Breitbart became better known, that I was picking on him before all the cool kids were doing it: In 2004 I wrote this review of his book Hollywood, Interrupted (co-written with Mark Ebner).

Nevertheless, when I logged on just now and saw this news, I was momentarily tempted to do the decent thing. Maybe even to worry "aloud" that Breitbart's apparent recent instability, of which Keith Olbermann among others has made such hay, could have been a repressed cry for help. From a man who, if only unconsciously, somehow knew he was near his death.

That temptation lasted right up until I read the full story to which I've linked at top, which gave me a couple of pieces of information I didn't have. The first is that actor Orson Bean, who wrote the introduction to the Breitbart/Ebner book, was actually Breitbart's father-in-law. A tidbit that appears nowhere in the published volume.

But that's just kind of sleazy; probably not enough to overcome the cultural imperative of "Speak no ill of the dead." However...

After Sen. Edward M. Kennedy of Massachusetts died in 2009, Breitbart tweeted "Rest in Chappaquiddick" and called him "a special pile of human excrement." When critics questioned his tone, he tweeted they "missed my best ones!"

In which case I refuse to feel the slightest bit guilty for blogging thus: Roast in hell, Breitbart. The world is a better place for you having left it.

I refer you to the precedents...

I cannot say this enough (apparently): There are certain immutable rules of life. One of them is that once something societal reaches the pages of an Archie comic, it can no longer be considered "cutting edge," or in fact, "edgy" at all.

I refer you to the precedents of Betty and Veronica go Goth and Betty Flash Dancing Up A Storm.

Now Archie has not only put a gay character into their comics, they have published an issue in which he marries another fella. This is unquestionable proof positive that gay marriage is not only acceptable in mainstream America, but it's actually a bit passé.

But some folks, I guess, never learn...

Just when you think he can't be a bigger asshole...

...Rush jams a corncob up there and stretches it out:

Limbaugh On Danica Patrick's Statement About Contraceptive Policy: "What Do You Expect From A Woman Driver?"

You know Gov Walker, there's an obvious solution you may be missing...

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker (R) today: "Think about the number of kids we could help, think of the number of seniors we could help in our state with $9 million that we didn't have to waste on this -- this frivolous recall election."