(Most of the Quotes and Scene Summaries come from The Simpsons Archive, with one from TV.com and one from memory)
Homer: Bart, did you hear that? What a name! "Santa's Little Helper." It's a sign. It's an omen.
Bart: It's a coincidence, dad.
--Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire (The Simpsons Christmas Special)
Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the
election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one
to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
-Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish
Homer tries to recall the good ol' days.
Homer: Remember when I used to push you on the swing?
Bart: I was faking it.
Homer: Gasp! Liar!
Bart: Oh yeah? Remember this? ``Higher, Dad! Higher! Whee!''
--I still can't believe they got away with it, from Brother From The Same Planet
I Love Lisa is line for line, the best Simpsons script ever, but I'll just pick one:
"Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the
second when his heart rips in half."
Homer: Lisa, did you see the Grammys?
Lisa: You beat Dexy's Midnight Runners!
Homer: Well, you haven't heard the last of them.
--Best Dexy's reference ever, from Homer's Barbershop Quartet.
Runner up: In Clerks there's a porno titled "Cum On Eileen."
Treehouse of Horror IV:
In the room with a "Hell Labs: Ironic Punishments Division" sign on the door, Homer is strapped into a chair with mountains of donuts all around. "So, you like donuts, eh?" his keeper queries. "Uh huh," Homer answers uncertainly. "Well, have all the donuts in the world!" his keeper ripostes, and a metallic machine monstrosity starts cramming donuts towards Homer's mouth by fours. Eagerly he devours them.
Much later, the machine still works overtime, and Homer has become a grotesque blob, but his relentless masticatory pace hasn't slowed.
There are almost no donuts left in the room, and Homer's keeper is
confused. "I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in fifteen
minutes!"
Bart: We come now to the final and most terrifying painting of the
evening. To even gaze upon it is [dramatically] to go mad.
Homer: [looking at it] Aah! They're dogs...and they're playing poker!
Abe: Quick! We have to kill the boy! [holds a stake and mallet]
Marge: How do you know he's a vampire?
Abe: He's a vampire? Aah! [runs away]
Homer, Marge, and Lisa arrive in the car.
[Homer drives into a preserved deer statue]
Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer...
--From Bart Gets an Elephant
[Skinner walks in, sees Homer]
Skinner: What's he doing here?
Bart: Well once he found out we were going to get Ned Flanders
fired, he insisted on helping.
Homer: That is true.
Bart: Here's the plan: once Chalmers comes for his next inspection
and sees how crappy the school has gotten, he'll fire Ned on
the spot.
Skinner: Er, one question remains: how do I get out of the army?
Bart: No problemo. Just make a pass at your commanding officer!
Skinner: Done and done. And I mean done.
--Well, he's efficient anyway. From Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song
Nelson: Hey, Bart! Your epidermis is showing.
Bart: [worried] It is? [checks himself]
[the kids laugh]
[Bart falls, starts yelling]
Nelson: [to Kearney] See, "epidermis" means your hair.
[Bart lands with a thud]
So technically it's true. That's what makes it so funny.
Pardon me a moment --
[at Bart] Ha ha!
Milhouse: Hey Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg.
Nelson: [exasperated] I said, "Ha ha"!
--Nelson's best "Ha ha" ever, from Bart of Darkness.
Treehouse of Horror V :
Homer: So what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was
thinking along the lines of "No TV and No Beer Make Homer"
something something.
Marge: [timid] "Go Crazy"?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then
I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.
--Marge and Homer are great parents, from Bart's Girlfriend
Kid: The switchboards are lighting up!
Everyone: Yay!
Kid: Two calls: that's our best ever! [answers one] Hello? No,
Janice doesn't live here...[answers other] Hello? Yes, I am
interested in long-distance savings! Very interested.
--It's the little things in life, from Homer BadMan
Marge: [voice over] It all started on the thirteenth hour, of the
thirteenth day, of the thirteenth month. We were there to
discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased.
Homer: [shivering, looking at the calendar] Oh, lousy Smarch weather.
[spies the thermostat with a note from Willy over it]
[reads] "Do not touch Willy." Good advice! [cranks it]
--From Treehouse of Horror VI
Lisa: Being myself...didn't work. Being somebody else...didn't work...
--The Simpsons line most likely to make me cry, from Summer of 4 Ft. 2
Nelson looks warmly at Lisa, and takes her hand. Their romantic
evening is spoiled by Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney.
Dolph: Oh, man! You kissed a girl!
Jimbo: That is so gay!
--Unclear on the concept, from Lisa's Date With Density
Bart: ...so then I says to Mabel, I says...
[Homer walks in]
Homer: Hi, kids!
Bart: I'll finish this later. Hi, Dad.
Homer: Where's your mother?
Lisa: Out back.
[Homer walks out]
Bart: So anyway, I says to Mabel, I says...
--Don't ask me why, I just love it.
From El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer
[The Mysterious Voyage of Homer]
Marge: Homer, didn't John seem a little... festive to you?
Homer: Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam.
Marge: [insisting] He prefers the company of men!
Homer: Who doesn't?
--From Homer's Phobia
Bob: You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What
about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college?
Cecil: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way!
--The Brother from Another Series, representing all the Sidehow Bob episodes of the first nine seasons
Judge Snider: I find the defendent not guilty. As for science vs.
religion I'm issuing a restraining order. Science should
stay 500 yards from religion at all times.
--Great idea, from Lisa the Skeptic
2 comments:
how about in the episode where Homer takes a personal loan from Patty and Selma to cover the mortgage?
Homer throws Patty and Selma out after they are rude during dinner and says (this is from memory, might not be exact word for word): "Hey Marge, does the lawn need to be fertilized? A couple of 500 pound BAGS should do it!" This is possibly my favorite simpson's quote of all time.
This episode also has the part when patty and selma are caught lighting up by their supervisor just as they are stamping 'fail' on homer's license test, and homer saves their jobs by claiming that they are his cigarettes:
Supervisor: These are your cigarettes?
Homer: I'm in flavor country.
Supervisor: Both of them?
Homer: It's a big country.
She then proceeds to slap Homer and tell him that he is worse than Hitler. Classic.
Do you mean: "...time to take out the trash! But first, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
--from Homer vs. Patty and Selma?
http://www.snpp.com/episodes/2F14.html
No, that's not exactly word for word, is it?
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